Goodbye, Old Friend

It takes something of great sorrow to bring me back to this old blog.  I got some sad news yesterday.  Kava [House] is closing.  The last day is two weeks from tomorrow.

It was like a punch to the gut.  I cried.  I immediately thought of a place and time so far away that I can hardly believe I was there.

I left GR back in 2004 and moved to Texas to live with my new husband.  I'm now back in Michigan with my son, but I live a couple of hours from Kava.  So much has happened to GR in the time I've been gone.  The Medical Mile has expanded in ways I never imagined.  Studio 28 is gone.  THE Studio 28.  I still can't wrap my head around that one.  That was the place to see movies, especially new big movies in Theater 1.  There is urban renewal galore going on.  But Easttown, my beloved Easttown, is much the same as it was when I left.

Back in 1993 I was a floundering young adult.  I was between colleges, working at Steketee's, and having a grand old time with my new best friend S.  She went to AQ.  I spent lots of time there with her and her friends.  Then we had a night.  Today when I look back, the memories aren't as crisp as they once were.  But I will never forget the night.  It was my first trip to Kava.  It wasn't Kava that made it so amazing.  It was the mood, the company, the talk we had.

It was a crisp October evening. It was plenty dark but we ventured on foot into Easttown.  Me and S and our new best buddy M.  It was the first time I'd spent any time with M.  He was a freshman and lived exactly underneath her in the dorm.  He was not like any 18-year-old I knew.  He had an old soul and smoked a pipe and the three of us went and had coffee and walked back.  On the way back we walked arm in arm, the three of us.  We sat at a covered bus stop and had a talk.  I can't remember what was said now, but it is roughly recorded in some packed-away journal.

After that, it was me and M and S.  There were other friends of course, but they were my best friends and we were the gang, at least in my eyes and in my memory.  And it all really started at Kava.  I ended up going to AQ myself the following year.  It was just a few blocks from Kava so that was a usual hangout for us.  Stupid or not, we thought nothing of walking into Easttown at all hours of the night.  Occasionally we'd go to Yesterdog, but mostly it was Kava.  My drink was the Cafe con Chocolate, my usual.  I never had a usual anywhere else before or since, but I did there.  I am talking about the sort of usual where the staff knows what you want before you even order.

M was from across the state, not from GR.  He wasn't good at navigating either, and this was well before GPS or iPhones or even the internet, to speak of.  So, after he left school, M would come to visit occasionally but would always meet us at Kava because that was the one place he was sure he could find.

I had another sort of friend, T.  He was way older than I am and really I just kind of followed him around like a little puppy dog.  But one time we actually *did* something, other than one of his art openings, was go to Kava.

When I was working at Steketee's out at the mall I'd drive in for lunch at Kava.  I had just enough time to run in and grab my Cafe con Chocolate to go and run back to the mall.  That was my whole lunch.  I still remember my Kava mug, a plastic insulated mug with a brown top.  It was too big to fit in any cupholder, should you be lucky enough to have one.  But I'm pretty sure you got a nickel off if you brought it, something like that.

But mostly the place just reminds me of my college days.  It reminds me of my days and nights with M and S.  I had various fallings out with both of them.  Today I still have occasional contact with M.  He was absolutely the dearest of friends and, with S, we had so many ups and downs.  Some was with each other.  Some was internal.  I guess it's so extra special to me because I'd never had real friends before them.  I was an outcast in high school, even among the nerds.  So my college friends have such a dear place in my heart.  Especially M.  His birthday is next week.  I'd love to go there one last time on his birthday and have a drink to him, but I can't.  But when I do go I will remember the first time I went there.  I will remember bringing the giant bunny there.  I will remember hanging artwork there.  I will remember the excitement with which I would pull up and walk around the corner hoping to see my friend in the window.  My best friend.  And I will have a drink to his health and smile at the memories and the fact that he now seems to have a pretty fabulous life.

Hello?

I'm still around.  I'm still alive.  Barely.  I feel as though I'm wandering through the forest and I'm not sure if the clearing I see is real or if it's an invention of madness.  The only time I have with my thoughts is after a long day of caring for Simon and my intellect isn't what it ought to be.  I know not who or what I am anymore.  And my life is soon to become even more interesting, I fear.

Hello?

It's been ages since I've written.  Life has me nearing a crossroads.  The short version is the cancer came back the day after Valentine's day.  I had just lost the job of my life.  Now I'm a SAHM.  That could be either Stay at Home or Stay at Hospital, depending on the day.  Simon begins his last chemo on the 25th unless he doesn't make counts. He's allowed to go to school about 6 weeks after that.  And then there goes my excuse for not working, for not starting the dreaded job search.  THAT terrifies me. 

Simon and I have our good moments and our not so good.  For a while there were very few good.  But he seems to be doing better.  Or is it me?  I've made a very conscious decision to remain very calm with him.  It doesn't always happen, but for the most part I've done well.  The times that really get to me, though, are when we have to go to the hospital.  He fights me on that a fair bit.  I think part of it is that he's run down from chemo.  Before the last round he spent 3 days on the couch.  Yes, three days.  The other part is that I just can't have the fights any more.  I let him get away with more than I should.  Mostly it's too much TV.  But right now we're in the home stretch and it's do or die.  Let's just do what we have to to get through the next several weeks.  I have been blessed with 7 months of barely leaving his side.  We may grow weary of each other at times.  I'm not nearly as fun as daddy.  But before we know it I'll be working again, God willing.  It's doubtful I'll find something very close to home or with banker's hours.  We may never get time like this again and I'll be darned if I'm going to spend the rest of it screaming at him.

I've been kind of floundering as a housewife.  I think I've burned out on it.  I do what I can but I've been feeling like I'm in a daze and I can't snap out of it.  I've gained weight to the point where a good portion of my clothes don't fit.  Gaining weight is common for cancer moms who have kids in treatment.  My hair hasn't seen scissors in over a year and a half.  And while my actual acne seems to be gone for the most part, my skin looks bumpy and blotchy.  I have to be packed for the hospital at all times so half of my meager wardrobe is stashed away so I wear "lounge pants" too often.  When I went to church a few weeks ago it was interesting finding dressy clothes that were presentable and fit.  I am certain I shall have to go shopping before I go job hunting.  I need a jump start to take care of me again.

Simon is adorable.  He plays Mario and loves Yoshi.  Like it's his favorite thing in life some days.  If he accidentally lets Yoshi fall off a cliff he gets super sad.  He's got such a big heart.  He shows it in lots of other ways.  I think one of my favorite things about him right now is also his imagination.  He has a dog, Neptune Pizza.  I would pay real money to know where he came up with that name and to see what Neptune Pizza looks like.  And he'll just talk to himself or to his imaginary friend/dog. 

One of my husband's friends is in a punk band and knows one of The Aquabats.  Word got around to them about Simon's relapse and they sent him a huge package for his birthday, including a song they wrote just for him.  It was overwhelming.  They said they also wanted to meet up when they are in town for a show.  Well, they will be here in a week and a half, the day before Simon's last chemo.  I'm so excited to go see their show again.  I desperately hope Simon will enjoy it and we can stay for all of it. 

It's All Alright

Okay, I really am.  Seriously.  I laid in bed tonight and realized I hadn't heard my fun. today.  I had to bust out my iPad and pull up their SNL "Some Nights" which is the most perfect thing I've ever heard.  And I can't sleep so I'm figuring out how to download the video off youtube so I can have it for all time.  Which I did figure out.  And I'm watching other videos of them and come across one of them at Warehouse Live a year ago.  That's a little venue.  Just a couple of months ago they were at another small-ish venue here, but that was before I knew of their awesomeness.  Yes, I'm going to see them this fall.  But it's at The Woodlands.  For GR folk, it's the difference between seeing them at The Intersection and Pine Knob.  I so wish I could see a smaller more intimate show.  I guess I gotta catch them on their down slide.  Kind of like how I saw the Spin Doctors at The Intersection.  The OLD Intersection.  And I was front row center.  And it was the best flippin night of my life!

I probably shouldn't complain in the slightest.  At least I get to see them.  At least it's not like James.  Or Alexi.  By all accounts they put on a mean live show. 

Here is some eye candy.  He's not normally someone I'd get excited about to look at.  I'm sure it's that his music and voice move me during this wretched time in my life.  Every song has at least one line that really hits home for me.  That, and I love a guy in a white tshirt.

Wow

I've been going through some awful nonsense lately.  I feel like I scream from pain but no one notices or cares.  I've gotten seriously into this fella, though.  His music is so beautiful.  I feel a little more normal when I hear him sing.

Yeah. Him.

Losing It

So, I'm having a really rough time of it now.  "It" being everything, life.  I want to jump off a cliff into sweet nothingness.  And just when I think my heart can't break any more I witness something like this and it breaks even more and heals all at the same time.  I cannot tell you how much James' music touches my soul.

Cedar Point

A couple of days ago for some reason I thought of my mom's old Cedar Point mug.  It was white, insulated, and 80's-tastic neon.  I used to joke with her that she had to have it any time she crossed the county line.  But seriously, from about 1986-2000 (inclusive) it was never far from her.  I googled it to see if I could find a photo.  One thing led to another, as googling often does, and I found out they tore out my favorite roller coaster.  I was devastated.  I started crying and felt heartbroken.

Cedar Point was about 4-5 hours away by car on the shores of Lake Erie in Sandusky, Ohio.  There was a Friendly's on the way, and Bosco's Big Biscuit too.  We'd go there with our neighbors and camp, not every summer, but a few times.  My mind has them all rolled into one trip.   We'd both bring our pop-up campers and set up shop.  I never did stay at Hotel Breakers.  The first day there was torture.  It was all about the dads getting the campers just so and barking orders and then the wait.  "But mom, if you go after 5:00 it's half price!"  Nope.  We just got to help set up clothes lines and unpack while the sounds of fun wafted through the air.  One of the last times I went was when I was 17 or 18.  I could barely sleep all night.  I remember walking the grounds of the camper village just pumped up for what fun I'd have once those gates opened. 

Back when we frequented the place The Gemini was the thing.  It was the biggest, scariest roller coaster that didn't go upside down.  I remember me (and probably others I was with) getting in line for it and deciding that I just wasn't in the mood for it after all.  I was much more into the Mine Ride, Iron Dragon, and Wildcat.  Depending on my tummy and mood, I'd also definitely be up for the Scrambler, Tilt-A-Whirl, Matterhorn, Calypso, practically falling out of the Blue Streak ("There's seat belts?!?!?") and the like.  Also, as a kid I loved driving the cars.

I've only been there once since that time I wandered the campground some 21 years ago.  Has it really been that long?  It was very much a part of my youth.  Give me CP over Disney any day.  I'll take the Happy Friar, fruit-shaped sippy cups, funnel cake, Dodgem, Cedar Downs carousel, and Sky Ride.

I still miss that place a lot and keep telling myself I'm taking Simon there before too long.  One thing that makes me really sad, however, is the way they keep adding bigger and bigger rollercoasters.  I know I'm very much in the minority, but I'm not a fan of them.  I'm also not a fan of the way they take over everything else.  Like the Wildcat.  Sure, it probably needed a lot of work, but if they wanted to they could restore it.  For such a little coaster it sure was a lot of fun.  Sure, it's not the biggest, tallest, fastest ride, but does everything have to be?  It was one I could have taken Simon on as soon as he was tall enough.  He would have loved it. 

They also have gotten rid of several of the spinny thrill rides I would sometimes frequent.  One that was rumored to be gone was my beloved Troika.  From what I can tell, however, it's still there.  Disaster Transport, the ride in the building behind it, wasn't so lucky.  They also took out the Demon Drop and space needle skybox thing.  Those were two mainstays of my youth.  I never went on the Demon Drop, but it was a huge deal back then and very much ingrained in my days spent there.

I guess I'm also just plain sad and homesick in general.  I miss the places I know so well.  I miss the people I know so well.  No matter how long I live here in the Greater Houston Area, it will never be home.  It will never have the memories of my youth with Denise and her family.  It will never be where I spent my "wild" college nights running around past my bedtime playing on horsey swings.  Too much nostalgia isn't good for a person, I know.  But I also know that I find such comfort on the memories and places that are bathed in the warm glow of remembering.  I've been down here 8.5 years and I still feel very alone at times even with my dear husband and son.  My parents have moved on to their new home.  My brother is across the country about to get married (and I won't be there).  My dear cousin has a baby that'll be in school before I get to meet her.  I miss the days before bills, before worrying about health insurance for my two-year-old cancer survivor son, before knowing the panic of the check engine light, before responsibility.  Piece by piece the things that could transport me back there are disappearing.  I'm sorry if that makes me sad.  Oh, wait.  No I'm not.  This is me.  I'm just glad the grown-up me lives in a world with Google Images and YouTube. 

The Cats

This was a bit of a sad weekend.  We said goodbye to Buster and Scout.  I took them to a shelter Saturday.  I did it for many reasons, but it still didn't feel good.  I have a guilt that will stay with me probably forever.  But when it all boiled down it needed to be done, for Simon if for no other reason.  They weren't good with him and don't like to use the litter box and that's not healthy or good for anyone.  It's been something I've been wanting to do for a while.  The husband wasn't so sure.  I was worried he'd think I was going against his wishes.  It was reassuring when Saturday night he said it was time and without saying it in so many words, gave me his blessing for what I had done. 

This morning he got Simon up and brought him into our room, something we hadn't been able to do in a long time, but used to do when he was a baby.  He asked about the "at" and I think Blaine and I both just about lost it.  I'm glad Simon's not any older.  I'm glad there were no other questions.  Blaine just told him that they went to live with someone else. 

It kind of breaks my heart because I want Simon to grow up with pets.  It's something I wanted so badly as a child I could taste it but was not able to have.  Sure, I had fish and hamsters, but it's not the same.  Maybe in a few years we can try again.  Maybe, by the grace of God, we can be in a position to let him have a dog.

One last thing, if and when we are able to become pet owners again we will adopt our new friend.  That is the way to go, my friend.  There are too many homeless pets in the world.  Shelters are full of them.  Please consider it if you're looking for a new furry friend.