Hello?

It's been ages since I've written.  Life has me nearing a crossroads.  The short version is the cancer came back the day after Valentine's day.  I had just lost the job of my life.  Now I'm a SAHM.  That could be either Stay at Home or Stay at Hospital, depending on the day.  Simon begins his last chemo on the 25th unless he doesn't make counts. He's allowed to go to school about 6 weeks after that.  And then there goes my excuse for not working, for not starting the dreaded job search.  THAT terrifies me. 

Simon and I have our good moments and our not so good.  For a while there were very few good.  But he seems to be doing better.  Or is it me?  I've made a very conscious decision to remain very calm with him.  It doesn't always happen, but for the most part I've done well.  The times that really get to me, though, are when we have to go to the hospital.  He fights me on that a fair bit.  I think part of it is that he's run down from chemo.  Before the last round he spent 3 days on the couch.  Yes, three days.  The other part is that I just can't have the fights any more.  I let him get away with more than I should.  Mostly it's too much TV.  But right now we're in the home stretch and it's do or die.  Let's just do what we have to to get through the next several weeks.  I have been blessed with 7 months of barely leaving his side.  We may grow weary of each other at times.  I'm not nearly as fun as daddy.  But before we know it I'll be working again, God willing.  It's doubtful I'll find something very close to home or with banker's hours.  We may never get time like this again and I'll be darned if I'm going to spend the rest of it screaming at him.

I've been kind of floundering as a housewife.  I think I've burned out on it.  I do what I can but I've been feeling like I'm in a daze and I can't snap out of it.  I've gained weight to the point where a good portion of my clothes don't fit.  Gaining weight is common for cancer moms who have kids in treatment.  My hair hasn't seen scissors in over a year and a half.  And while my actual acne seems to be gone for the most part, my skin looks bumpy and blotchy.  I have to be packed for the hospital at all times so half of my meager wardrobe is stashed away so I wear "lounge pants" too often.  When I went to church a few weeks ago it was interesting finding dressy clothes that were presentable and fit.  I am certain I shall have to go shopping before I go job hunting.  I need a jump start to take care of me again.

Simon is adorable.  He plays Mario and loves Yoshi.  Like it's his favorite thing in life some days.  If he accidentally lets Yoshi fall off a cliff he gets super sad.  He's got such a big heart.  He shows it in lots of other ways.  I think one of my favorite things about him right now is also his imagination.  He has a dog, Neptune Pizza.  I would pay real money to know where he came up with that name and to see what Neptune Pizza looks like.  And he'll just talk to himself or to his imaginary friend/dog. 

One of my husband's friends is in a punk band and knows one of The Aquabats.  Word got around to them about Simon's relapse and they sent him a huge package for his birthday, including a song they wrote just for him.  It was overwhelming.  They said they also wanted to meet up when they are in town for a show.  Well, they will be here in a week and a half, the day before Simon's last chemo.  I'm so excited to go see their show again.  I desperately hope Simon will enjoy it and we can stay for all of it.