I had a really bizarre weekend of dreams. It was a veritable parade of friends who've come into and gone out of my life. First was my former BFF, Target shoping mate, & maid(tron) of honor. It wasn't a happy dream at all. Then was Matthew. In that dream I found him somehow and we were reunited. I ran up to him and his familiar lanky frame and gave him the biggest hug. We were so happy to see each other again. It was such a happy dream. I haven't thought of him in so long without feeling hurt and angry but in this dream there was nothing but joy. It's made me really miss him and our friendship. It's been about 9 years since we were really friends.
The first night I met him I was at AQ with Stacey and the three of us walked into Eastown to Kava. Matthew was this tall, lanky chap in a suit coat and scarf smoking a pipe and had a shaved head except for a thick, long curl in the middle of his forehead. I'd never met anyone like him. We walked the 10 minutes to Kava, my first time, in the crisp fall air with the smell of his pipe whafting through the air. We talked about everything, deep thoughtful things, and paused in a bus stop shelter on our way home. We all walked hand in hand, with Matthew in the middle. Stacey & I were often his bookends for the next several years. We went through all kinds of drama together. Matthew would drift in and out of our lives. He was such a delicate, old soul. I've never known anyone else I could say that about. I was really shocked when I found out he was only 17 just a day or two after we met.
He left AQ and went back to the east side of the state and would come for visits or we'd make time to see him before shows at Pine Knob. Things were awesome for years up until I graduated from college and moved in with Stacey. He came to visit right after we moved in and though I can't remember anything special happening, that was the last time I saw him for a long time. Then when Stacey and I became friends again, I got to see him more regularly. But something cheesed him off and we haven't spoken since 2001. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with him not "getting" my friendship with Blaine.
I emailed him some time later and he made it sound like our friendship was only out of misery & convenience. This post is long enough without me elaborating about what an interesting and unique person Matthew is, much less how great our friendship was. Besides all that it's really personal. But he told me he was really lucky to know me. And I gave him one of the best nights of his life up to that point when we went to see the Cranberries. Now, that was a story. Him telling me that we were friends because "misery loves company" was incredibly hurtful and absolutely untrue.
I've been going through some real changes lately and one of them is this need to reach out to people. I'm sure my dreams were a part of that. The last one was about Stacey and I barely remember that one. The Matthew dream was cruel because it actually allowed me to remember the good times with Matthew and made me miss him. Losing friends makes me so completely sad because in my eyes, I make friends for life. I'm too feeling, too emotional, to have people come and go as they do.
Why am I writing all this? I don't know. I just feel compelled to. I wish everyone could know Matthew and the interesting person that he was (is?). I'm looking for a huge shoulder to lean on? No one I know now has any real idea who he is. I'm looking for solace where there is none. Same thing with Michelle. I've cried countless tears but there is nothing I or Blaine or anyone can do. Cherish those people in your life who mean something to you. You never know when they'll decide to move on to bigger and better things.
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